Ok, so I guess it's not really Pre-Life. But it kinda is. Pre-Karli-as-an-adult-Life. More like Pre-what-am-I-going-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life.
So here goes.
I miss being a nerd.
I was a nerd once. I once took a whole 2nd Quarter question as captain of National Academic League all to myself because I knew right off the top of my head that there are roughly 31,536,000 seconds in a year. I miss being the one who everyone gets mad at in Biology because I used my favorite word in a game that no one else knew the meaning to (the word was "recondite." It means "above the average level of thinking." I learned it after reading Wells' The Time Machine). I miss being one of the few who could explain thermodynamics and falling electrons and the color spectrum to another student (we'll just forget I took AP chem. Things changed that year). I miss feeling my brain work and stress, dendrites fusing, doing a calculus problem that takes 4 pages after TI-89 magic fails.
I miss academics. I miss feeling smart. I miss learning.
Not that I'm not learning now. I love music. Every time I perform, I feel like it's right. My whole life seems like it's shaped up perfectly for a career in music. It's a huge part of who I am. In fact, I'd reckon it sort of holds all the other different parts of me together. But those different parts are so different. I considered being an astrological engineer once. Or an OB-GYN. Or an Egyptologist working in Alexandria. Or a child psychologist. Or an interior designer. Or a member of the U.S. Uniformed Services. Or a child Social Worker (one who actually cared about the kids). Or an elementary school teacher. Or an opera singer.
And a wife and mother to lots of kids.
I've always hated school. I love learning, just never much cared for the modern institution of school. Especially now, where people want me to declare a major, or, in other words, plan the rest of my life right now. You know, I'm pretty sure Da Vinci and all the other famous philosophers would hate the modern educational system too. They got to spend years dabbling in whatever they wanted, whatever interested them. Art. Science. Math. Architecture. Literature. Religion. Politics. All of it. No one asked them, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" and then laid out a plan for them and expected them to stick to it. They explored, experimented, and in doing so, learned a lot about a lot of things, and I'm willing to bet they learned a lot about themselves in the process, too.
I don't mean to rant. Just, I'm not sure which direction my life is headed. I know some things, the important things, but I'm not quite sure how to fit the rest of it into the picture, or what to even fit in.
Right now, I'm on track to hit it big with opera. Not saying I will, I just have the connections and professors who know the path and could help me. Being a serious opera performer in America means travel. And a lot of it. Not the most stable family situation, but possible. My voice teacher's wife starred at the MET for 5 years. She's pregnant with their 4th or 5th child and flies out to LA or NYC or wherever every few weeks when her agent calls and schedules a show. So a family life is possible. Just difficult. Unless I want to move to Europe. I could live near an opera house, send my kids off to school in the morning and my husband off to work, go to work myself for a couple hours, be home in the afternoons when the kids return, have dinner together as a family, and go back to work for evening rehearsals. But I don't expect a husband to do that. And would I even be willing to do that? Plus, performing soprano roles in opera often involves less-than-ideal situations involving little clothing and lots of other men all in front of an audience. Even if it is art or part of the drama, it's not something I, myself, want to deal with.
So what? I could teach music in schools. I wouldn't be happy. My passion is in performing, and high school choir teachers have one of the biggest burn-out rates of any career. Low pay, lots of extra time outside the 40 hour week, plus the necessity of figuring out other ways to get extra money. It takes a very special person to do that. And I fully admit I'm not one of them.
I could teach elementary school. I would LOVE that. And I have lots of experience. But I'd always wonder what would have happened had I decided to pursue music.
Or I could go into medicine. But am I even going to want to go through med school?
I just wanna be a mom. And do everything else too.
I feel stuck. Don't get me wrong! I am so happy with who I am and where I am. I love life right now. In fact, today was a really really good day. I walked all the way home smiling for no particular reason other than I was happy. I just feel like I need to explore a little. Maybe that means going home for a semester and working and taking community college courses. Maybe it means flying somewhere different and just living for awhile. Maybe it means staying put but changing the way I live. I don't know. I'll figure it out.
I can't wait to be old and be on the other side of this, laughing at myself for worrying because, of course, everything will turn out for the best.
But for now, I'm just confused.
First of all, don't wish this time away. I know everyone says that, but it's true. These are memories you'll tell the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteSecond, when you're the mom, you get to do lots of the stuff you love without the pressure--like parts in community theater or teaching art masterpiece or taking trips with your husband.
Let it come. Don't force it, and whatever's supposed to fall in your lap, will.
Stop reconditing.
You are definitely on track for greatness each minute of each day. Serve and love and teach and learn and enjoy and grow. Love you! That Jen is a wise one :) Sure glad you have good people to glean wisdom from!
ReplyDeleteSo I totally get your feelings. I was always told by coaches and teachers to persue my athletics, that I would go far but I KNEW for sure if I did, I would be giving up other things. When people tell you that you "can do both" or you "can have it all" they are lieing. The truth is you really do have to make decisions. I did not want to be a part time Mom, missing half my kids life while I was away or delay having a family for a decade while I chased the olympics. You will at some point have to decide what is the very most important to you and go with it. The good thing- is that music will always be a part of your life, even if your only audience is a tiny, sweet smelling little new born, resting in your lap.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm still pre-life too and thus my opinion doesn't really count yet.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have to say, keep on doing what you feel drawn to. You've obviously been blessed with a lot of talents and you wouldn't have them if Heavenly Father didn't want you to use them in one way or another. The real trick is prioritizing different talents/gifts/roles and I think that's where personal revelation comes in. The narrative I hear all the time from women is "I had this magical trajectory going in ___ (insert thing they were good at) that would have gotten me ____ (insert the highest honor that trajectory x would have supposedly lead to), but I chose to give it all up and raise my 25 kids and cook and clean the house all day and I've never been happier, which obviously means that it's the right choice for everyone." Maybe that works for them but I don't think being a mom means you have to give up being a person. The important thing is that you and God (and your husband, when he comes along) are tight and can work things out together. But, if you have thought and prayed about it, and your life path happens to be different than someone else's, so be it. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. If you are passionate enough about performing that you want to live in Vienna and practice while your kids are at school and perform while they're in bed, I think you will love it and it will work out wonderfully. Also, hopefully you'll have a husband that will support you as a mother, wife, and person. I think if you're fulfilled as a person, you'll be a better mother and wife (and vice versa).
Also, I totally get the "I need to get out and explore" thing. That's where I was a year ago and I'm really glad I did the nanny thing in Holland and got to travel on my own. I learned things about myself that I don't know if I could have learned any other way. You know how one of the reasons we're on earth is because we had to get away from the life we had always known (living with God) in order to learn and form independent identities and such? That's what I feel I did in Europe. Living in Mesa or Provo is so, so different from living somewhere without the church being so prominent. It was a lesson in living and tested my integrity/beliefs in a way that never could have happened at BYU. And because of that, I grew stronger as a person. My beliefs matured and I became better-acquainted with my weaknesses. Now (even though I'm still dying to go back), I'm in a better place to start out a real life.
Also squared, I really like your point about DaVinci not liking the modern educational institution. Amen.
"The greatest mistake a person can make is in believing that they can control the uncontrollable."
ReplyDeleteThat was a quote from my failed "Same As Me" feature film, and I've really had to take it to heart over the years. Don't expect to know what you're going to do with yourself...my Dad is living proof that you can major in one thing and end up in a completely different place. Computerized-Translation to surveying/public relations. They aren't exactly the same thing.
Decisions must be made, yes, but the wonderful thing about life is that they may be changed later down the line. You will end up being a mother, and you may be an opera singer. You may end up an architect. We can't really know. So don't stress.
I don't remember which General Authority said it, but my brother loves this quote: "Your career should be your passion, and your passion is that which you think about when you have nothing that you NEED to think about. That is what you should do with your life." So...pursue your passions...all of them. You're destined for great things. But you shouldn't expect to know what they are. Pick a path...and don't be afraid when things go different than you expected.
^ Above quote is Henry B. Eyring's dad. And it's awesome.
ReplyDeleteJust dabble in everything right now. You don't need to make a decision for a year or so. Just follow all of your interests at once. If it takes you 5 years to graduate, that's ok... You'll have a better education. Which is why you're in school anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou could also always pursue a career as a private voice instructor. Not sure if that's your idea of an ideal job, but it would be flexible.