Chapter 2: Two Years

The beginning of Winter Semester during that first year of college meant crunch time for Tucker's mission papers. He submitted them at the earliest possible date, and then the wait for that big, white envelope began. I remember going on walks. Sometimes he got scared. Sometimes he didn't feel ready.

We talked about it all.

But not once did we mention anything about "us."

On February 9, 2011, Tucker opened his mission call.

"Dear Elder Denton....

...New York New York South Mission...

...in the Spanish language...

...May 18th, 2011..."

And so it began. 

We were thrilled. Everyone was. The fears all but disappeared, replaced with sheer excitement and anticipation to finally begin those two years he'd been preparing his whole life for. While we knew we would spend the next two years apart, we looked forward to writing letters and finally living the experience instead of just talking about it like we had been for years. 

There was never a question of whether Tucker would serve a mission or not. I always knew there would come a time when we would say goodbye for two years, and he would devote all of his time and energy to serving the Lord's children somewhere in the world. Two years apart was always in the schedule. But as I mentioned before, I'd never really expected Tucker to know how I really felt about him until after his mission. So when I found us in the position we were in, I wasn't sure how we were going to proceed. Feelings were there, but neither of us were acting on them, and I wasn't sure what the expectation was. I really really hoped he would bring it up, but I knew he wasn't planning on it. It seemed as if we would just continue to be friends, he would leave, we would write occasionally, and if I happened to be around when he got home, then we'd go from there.

March 16th, 2011 was a glorious day. I normally hated Wednesdays, but as I walked out of my late class, I was greeted by a warm, wet, spring rainstorm. I practically skipped home, humming to myself, full of happiness for no reason except that it was raining. I dropped my backpack on my bed & ran back outside, taking time to just close my eyes and breathe it in. As usual on Wednesday nights, Tucker texted me to see how horrible my day was and if I'd survived. When I told him I was out playing in the rain, the thought was too tempting for him, and he abandoned his cleaning check chores to join me at the bell tower. We ran and laughed and played  and got soaking wet. A police man even came to investigate my screams and awkwardly excused himself after he watched Tucker pick me up and dunk me in a huge puddle. It had been a long time since we'd felt so completely happy and at peace with each other. As we stood catching our breath, Tucker slipped one arm around me, and we gazed out at the wet trees. His breathing slowed, and I felt him shift his weight. And then slowly, tentatively, he pulled me into him and put his other arm around me. 

The first hug in 7 months.

I stood, hardly daring to move or breathe, not wanting to miss one second. Oh, how I missed him! We continued playing, and as he walked me back to my apartment, he squeezed my hand briefly and gave me another hug goodnight. I was over-the-moon and got plenty of weird glances from people when I skipped into the hall, soaking wet, shivering, and grinning from ear to ear.

The following Sunday night, Tucker asked if I wanted to go on a walk. It started out a bit weird. I could tell something was on his mind, and I kept having flashes of our last conversation that began in silence. And then he started making small talk, asking about my life, which was weird since he already knew the answers to those. I was a little scared that he was regretting playing in the rain and that he was about to tell me that we had to start at square one with all those rules and stop spending time together. Eventually, the conversation turned to his mission, just the same thoughts as always, but then he paused.

T: "What do you think is going to happen in two years?"

       He couldn't possibly mean what I thought he meant.

K: "Uh....well.....I'll have finished my junior year....maybe I'll have given one of my recitals. I'll have studied        4 languages & gone to Europe again...?"

T: "That's true.... Um. What do you think is going to happen with us in two years?"

       It's a trap!

K: "Um...we'll write lots of letters...?"

T: *pause...deep breath* "I guess what I'm asking is...what do you want to happen with us in two years?"

      Crap. I can't escape this one.

K: "I....want us to grow closer than we are. .......and I want things to work out."

  

     There. Let him make of that what he wants.

And then he didn't say anything - crap. I blew it. I said too much. He's already convinced himself I won't be around, and he wants me to back off and leave him alone and not talk to him ever again. - so I turned the question around on him.

K: "And what do you want?"

I pulled him out of his train of thought, and he glanced up at me. He sighed and said, "you read, me read, or me just talk?"

I had no idea what he was talking about, so I shrugged, and he proceeded to pull out a letter he'd written to me the day after the rainstorm, when he'd been thinking about "us" and what would happen. It was a beautiful letter. We both cried. And it was settled that we both hoped I'd be around when he got home from New York.

After that, things didn't change all that much. We still didn't spend much time together, and school and finals occupied most of our time. I left on a 3-week choir tour through Colorado and Wyoming, and by the time I made it home to Mesa, Tucker had 9 days left. We knew he'd have to be careful, making sure his family got their time with him, so I had to step to the side a bit.

Thursday night, we went on our last date together. We have this thing with stars, so Tucker drove me out to a desert campground & spread out blankets in the back of his truck. We had a picnic while the sun set & he gave me his box of special things to keep safe while he was gone. The sun went down & the stars appeared. He turned on a playlist of 36 of our songs, and we spent the evening talking and laughing and dancing and just enjoying being with each other. There was a brief minute where I started to get sad, but Tucker grinned at me from the other end of the truck and said, "Hey. You know it'll be worth it." 

All too soon, the days were gone. We said goodbye, sitting in his backyard, the Monday before he left. There was nothing more to say really. I will never forget when he looked at me and said, "Karli, I love you. But I will ALWAYS put the Lord first." And that's how it should be. 

stole the picture from his mom's blog. :)

We cried. A lot. And I walked out to my car barely holding it together. But after a couple hours, a soft, surrounding peace filled me, and I knew things would be ok.

That peace stayed with us the entire two years. We wrote letters. We sent a few packages. We never called or skyped. I won't go into too much more detail, since I wrote a whole post about my waiting experience the day before he got home, but I just have to say that I'm so glad we did it the way we did. We both strengthened our testimonies, grew closer to the Lord, improved our relationships with people, and became better individuals. It was a critical two years for both of us, and through hundreds of letters, we came through it still on the same page.

I can't believe how fast it went. Around Christmastime, we found out that he would be returning home on May 15th, 2013. It still seemed forever away, but the months sped by and never slowed down enough for me to feel ready. I distracted myself with anything I could - work, school, finals, a roadtrip - but nothing worked. I started having dreams about him coming home, and I saw people all over campus who looked like him at first glance. I think my brain was trying to prepare itself. I quite literally turned into a crazy person, as my family will testify. I did everything I could think of to prepare, but how can you possibly prepare for something like that? 

For that moment when the past 730 days disappear and it's just you and him like before...

Chapter 3: Home