Today's a 2

Today's a bad day. And that's ok. You don't have to read if it makes you uncomfortable.
I don't post about it to get sympathy or pity or attention.
I post about it because I believe in being real and because of the personal messages of thanks I get from people who thought they were the only one struggling.



It started out being a really good day.
Our schedule has been working great, and we've really noticed improvements.
I woke up and got out of bed. We had couple prayer before Tucker kissed me and headed out the door. I did yoga. I ate breakfast. I studied the scriptures while Annie slept in. It was glorious.
And then at 8:30, a wave of exhaustion hit me out of nowhere, and I zonked out on the couch for an hour. At 9:30, I woke up to Annie crying in her crib so I stumbled through the kitchen to go get her. I could barely walk and took her back to my room where I collapsed onto the bed again for another hour while she switched between nursing, playing, and watching Curious George. At 10:30, she woke me up because she was starving and bored, and I was neglecting her. And being the awesome mom that I am (heavy sarcasm), I got annoyed with her and was irritable. I stuck her in her highchair and searched for something fast and easy to give her. The last banana had been eaten, so I decided to whip up some baby food pancakes real fast. And that failed over and over again into a lumpy, partially burned, mostly gooey mess. All-the-while, she just got more impatient and upset. I gave up after the 3rd attempt and just poured some fruit mix baby food into a reusable pouch and handed it to her. She went through 3 jars of it, poor girl.
And then Tucker texted me that he was on his way home earlier than planned. He swooped in and rescued me, sending me to work and taking over toddler duty, which included a poopy diaper and a giant puddle of milk spreading from the open sippy cup under the high-chair. I really don't deserve him.
The day got a little better. I like work because it's secluded and I have tasks to focus on. But seclusion can also be bad because then the anxiety kicked in, and I started feeling really guilty for leaving Tucker such a mess and being so depressed and forcing him to step up more than he should have to. And then it snowballed. The argument from last night that was totally forgotten this morning began to replay in my head and weigh me down. I checked my bank account and started stressing about money. Images from fitful and stressful dreams the night before floated up in my memory. The worst part of it is the guilt.
I want so badly to pull out of it. To stand up and say, "This is over," and suddenly be Karli again. I want to be fun. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be happy. I want to be strong. I want to be fierce. I want to be stable. I want to not be a burden. I want to be me.