Bum! Bum! Bum!

Caroline Belle Friday, June 22, 2018 @ 1:44 PM 7lbs, 11oz, 20in.


Prologue
October 2017: To say I was busy is an understatement. I was gone hours a day for Beauty and the Beast rehearsals, often late into the night as we neared opening. My kids shuffled around from one angel's house to another until Tucker would get home and pick them up, solo-parenting his way through dinner, baths, and bedtime. It was a hectic time of life that I am forever thankful for. As we entered into tech and dress rehearsals, the exhaustion hit, and I found myself nursing a twinging lower back. The ache brought memories of my previous two pregnancies, but I chalked it up to spending 5-6 hours in heels every night. I remember jokingly saying to Tucker, "What if I'm pregnant?" But he'd respond with a wishful smile and a "You're not," and we'd move on. We knew we'd wait to start trying until after all the Beauty and the Beast craziness wrapped up, and I was pushing for after the holidays, too.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017: Beauty and the Beast was more than halfway over, with just 4 more performances to go for closing weekend. I headed in to my doctor for a routine Pap smear so I could renew my birth control prescription. The PA, Melissa, made small-talk while she did the exam and asked all the typical questions. I explained that I'd only had 2 periods since Eli was born (I was still breast-feeding), but they were only a week apart, and I hadn't had anything for over a month now. I figured it was just my body regulating things, and Melissa agreed with me. She asked if I wanted her to run a pregnancy test just in case, but I declined, saying that if I still didn't have another period in the next few weeks, I'd take one at home. I drove away feeling reassured. 
Less than five minutes down the road, my phone rang. "Hi, Karli? This is Melissa. I know you told me not to, but..............Congratulations!" Um, what? My mind went numb. I laughed a little, and she jabbered on about making sure I stop my birth control immediately and start taking a prenatal vitamin. I was in shock by the time I got home. Not mad or sad. Just shocked and a little excited. And maybe a little overwhelmed. I do remember laughing at God's sense of humor, though.
I had no idea how to tell Tucker - he'd always been with me when we found out we were pregnant. That afternoon, I loaded up the kids and texted Tucker to tell him we were picking him up from work. At his confusion, I assured him that everything was fine but that we needed to talk about my doctor's appointment. Despite my reassurances, that freaked him out. He came running out to the car as soon as I pulled up. Basically, I just recounted the appointment to him and ended with "I'm pregnant...." Tucker contained his burst of excitement long enough to make sure I was actually happy and excited about it, too, and then it sort of became our little inside joke.
So weird to look at these photos now and know that I was pregnant!

Pregnancy
I finished up with Beauty and the Beast, with the nausea finally hitting only for the very final performance. And from there, it only got worse. Over the next few weeks, I lost 10 pounds and couldn't keep much down. It was not fun, to say the least.

We announced to our families on Christmas. We were planning on waiting until New Years, but my brother is apparently a psychic. Jace is serving a mission in the Philippines so when we got to Skype him on Christmas Eve, he said, "I sent Christmas cards in the mail, but when I was addressing yours, I put 'To T plus K plus A plus E' and then I had the feeling to add 'plus question mark' so are you pregnant?" And to everybody's shock and surprise, we grinned and said, "Yep!" 

This pregnancy was easier in that my body knew what it was doing, and I enjoyed daily yoga for a couple months (until my pelvis couldn't take it). But it was also the hardest because I was so completely exhausted all the time. I'm sure two kids had something to do with that, but it did make it hard to get anything done. Luckily, the morning sickness abated with the arrival of the second trimester. I kept waiting for that burst of energy in the second trimester and again with the nesting into the third trimester, but it never came. And as usual with my pregnancies, I experienced pretty unpleasant SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) where my body over-reacts to the hormone Relaxin that prepares your body for birth and makes my pelvis extremely unstable. It makes sitting and walking quite difficult, and I needed Tucker's help more and more to sit or stand as we got farther along to meeting our little Speck.

21 weeks

28 weeks

36 weeks

On June 11th,  just shy of 36 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound and began having weekly appointments. The doctor noted that baby was measuring particularly big, saying, "I'd be a little concerned if you ever made it to your due date, but you don't, so...." A pelvic exam confirmed I was already dilated to 3 cm. and 50% effaced, and the doctor sent me home with "I'll be happy if you make it another week and 2 days," which would put me right at 37 weeks.
A week later, June 18th, I was back in the office. I'd made a little progress and was now measuring 3+cm and 60-70% effaced. The doctor congratulated me on making it another week and told me to schedule my 38 week appointment but that he'd probably see me before then. I'd been having some good Braxton-Hicks contractions on and off, but didn't feel like much else was happening. However, I did spend the next couple days throwing some stuff in my duffle bag and updating my list of birth affirmations and techniques I wanted Tucker to use while I was in labor.
When I was pregnant with Annie, I prepared for a natural labor using Hypnobabies, a study course that teaches breathing and deep relaxation techniques and focuses on eliminating any fears of birth in order to minimize body tension and the resulting pain. However, I was so unprepared with how fast and intense her birth was that I got the epidural. With Eli, I was prepared for another fast birth, and the doctor warned me I may not have time for another epidural. I didn't do much preparation for a natural birth, besides just thinking about it, but his birth was completely different with 2+ exhausting days of hard contractions and slow progress. So I was thankful that the epidural let me rest and finish dilating so I could enjoy my birth.
After two very different births, I felt prepared this time. I knew my body was really good at birthing babies and that I'd never spent longer than 3 hours in the hospital without having a baby. I had good experiences with the epidurals, but they also made my blood pressure plummet, and I felt like my body knew exactly what to do if I let it. I started listening to my Hypnobabies CDs every night again and felt myself getting more and more excited for birth. It also helped that my therapist uses similar relaxation techniques and visualizations so I felt like I knew what I was doing a little bit more this time. And whenever I was hit with pregnancy insomnia, I'd search "peaceful and positive birth" videos on YouTube. And even though Tucker didn't really buy into the formal study aspect of it, I felt like we were able to successfully modify it to fit our situation, like me writing down specific things I'd want him to say and do and voicing my wishes and expectations beforehand.

The Birth Story
*as with my previous birth stories (Annie's and Eli's), this will be a bit TMI and gooey*
Friday, June 22nd, at 37 weeks and 1 day, I was lying in bed just after 7AM. Tucker was getting up to head to work when I suddenly felt a gush of fluid. Tucker quickly got a towel under me, and I laid there for a couple more minutes to see if anything else happened. With Annie, I felt a small pop when my water broke, and contractions started immediately and intensely, but I didn't feel anything this time except the gush of fluid. I got up, and there was a little more leaking, but after a few minutes, it stopped, and everything went back to normal. I was 80% sure it was my water breaking, but with nothing happening, I sent Tucker off to work with promises to call him if anything happened. I knew it could take a couple of hours for contractions to start so I texted my aunt to tell her she was on stand-by for the kids (my in-laws were on a plane home from Italy, and my parents had just left that morning to go visit my brother in Tucson) and finished packing up the hospital bag and gathering crap. I read that if baby's head is really low, it can block any more fluid from leaking so I tested this theory by lying on my back with my hips up and, sure enough, there was more fluid. After a couple of hours with no serious contractions (maybe only 3 or 4 an hour), I called Tucker to tell him we should probably head in. He came home, my aunt came and got Annie and Eli, I quickly ate some yogurt so I wouldn't be starving, and we drove to the hospital. I had 2 or 3 more contractions in the car so things were starting to pick up, but it was such a different experience this time being able to laugh and joke and sing on our way to the hospital instead of grimacing silently in pain. The radio was playing "Hurt So Good," and we laughed at the irony.
Once checked in at the hospital, we met Tracy, our triage nurse who we also had when Eli was born! She confirmed my water had definitely broken, and I was now measuring almost at a 4 and 80% effaced. So still not much progress. I was a little bummed, but I didn't let that discourage me because I knew my body would kick into gear.  This time, I opted for a saline lock again like I did with Annie, instead of being hooked up to IV fluids the whole time because that made me so swollen and heavy during Eli's labor. Tracy mentioned the possibility of needing Pitocin to kick-start labor and asked my opinion on it. I told her I'd like to avoid it if possible, and as soon as she walked out, I asked Tucker to give me a Priesthood blessing. I asked if I was allowed to request that Pitocin wouldn't be necessary, and he answered, "Of course you're allowed to ask." Well, the blessing said nothing about it. "But it did mention having patience, which is almost the same thing," Tucker winked and kissed my forehead while I rolled my eyes.

Walking into Labor and Delivery, we passed my doctor all decked out in his scrubs, and he waved to us. We got settled into our room right before 11:30 AM, and Nurse Stephanie helped me get situated on my exercise ball with all the monitors on my belly. Then my doctor came in, and we talked about the possibility of Pitocin to get contractions going. I REALLY didn't want to resort to that. I knew my body was good at having babies and felt like Pitocin was totally unnecessary for me, but I could tell the doctor and nurses were concerned about the risk of infection with it being four and half hours since my water broke; everything I've ever read says you have 24 hours so I did feel like they were pushing it a little bit. I compromised and asked if we could at least wait until 1 PM to reevaluate and then possibly start a really low dose if necessary. They agreed with me, and Tucker and I were left to hang out. We turned on a movie, and I snacked on ice. Stephanie came in to tell me that my lab results came back showing that I was extremely anemic (normal is 12, 10 or 11 is acceptable for pregnancy, I was a low 8) so it was important to keep this birth as bloodless as possible.
A little past 12:30 PM, I stood up to use the bathroom and immediately felt a huge shock wave ripple through my belly. It was painful and intense, and I gasped, holding my belly and panting. I still have no idea what it was because it felt like my uterus was rupturing. Looking back, I wonder if it was maybe my amniotic sack bursting fully, but I really couldn't tell you. Anyway. Using the toilet, I had two hard, real contractions (or "birth waves") and one more on my way back to the bed and my exercise ball so things were finally picking up! Back on my ball, Tucker ended up turning off the movie because I had to keep concentrating and wanted things quiet. I remember he tried eating some chips in the middle of a contraction, and I LOUDLY instructed him to "Stop chewing!" Right before 1:00 PM, Stephanie came in because we kept losing Speck's heartbeat on the monitor, and she wanted to see if I was progressing so she offered to put a monitor on her head so I could be in whatever position I wanted. I climbed into the bed so she could attach the monitor, and she announced that I was at a full 4+cm, 100% effaced, and very soft so they probably wouldn't need to do Pitocin. Hallelujah!
Once she walked out again, I got into the zone. I was up on my knees, leaning forward against top of the bed that was reclined at about a 130* angle. Contractions were intense and long, shooting up my back and down my legs. Tucker knelt behind me pressing down as hard as he could on my pelvis, providing counter-pressure, while running around during the 30 seconds in between to feed me more ice or make me drink more water or get more wet, hot towels for my back. He did such an awesome job reminding me to keep my hands and jaw and forehead totally relaxed and encouraging me through the intense waves. The most difficult parts were when he would try to adjust his pressure on my back in the middle of a "pressure wave," resulting in me crying out momentarily. I only yelled at him once though - "DON'T STOP PUSHING!" Oops. He really was amazing though. Apparently he had to push so hard on me that a few times, he was standing up on the bed behind me trying to push all his weight onto my pelvis! And I guess the nurse walked back in during one of those and, surprised at finding him standing on the bed, murmured, "Well, I guess that's how we're doing things."
As contractions got more and more intense, I could feel my mind getting distracted with thoughts of "pain." But I knew that thinking of pain would lead to tension and more pain so I changed my mindset. I started thinking of each "wave" as "heat" instead of "pain," and I immediately felt the difference in how my body responded. My body loves heat, and I knew I could totally handle the intense heat spreading through my back and belly and legs. It was suddenly much easier to relax into. I actually didn't listen to my CDs at all, but I did have a few key phrases that kept playing through my mind from my months of practice, such as, "Deeper and deeper relaxed with every breath I exhale.....In, 2, 3, 4 - Out 2, 3, 4, 5....Deeper and Deeper.....Peace....Birth is natural, normal, healthy, and safe....I feel confident....My body and my baby know how to do this." As things progressed, I would occasionally hum through the contractions. In my vocal pedagogy classes in college, we learned about how tension in the larynx leads to tension (and thus, pain) in other parts of the body. Learning about natural birthing, there are actually studies that show vocal tension is mirrored by tension in the cervix and pelvis so I focused on keeping my throat open and relaxed through sighing and humming to keep "down there" open and relaxed, too (instead of gritting my teeth, for instance). Eventually, I started feeling a little bit of an urge to push, and with every hum, I could feel the little monitor move a little and wondered if that meant her head was moving down, too.
This feeling started getting more prominent, and my body would involuntarily push a little as I moaned (comparable to how your body involuntarily pushes when you have a sick stomach, though not as violent). I loved getting to this point. It felt so relieving and powerful! Once this part started, I can honestly say my mind wasn't focused on the pain at all. I'm sure it was there, but it was such a non-issue because more important things were happening - my brain barely registered it!
At this point, (just after 1:40 PM), Stephanie walked back in to check on us. Hearing me moaning, she asked, "So are you starting to feel a little pushy?" I don't think I ever answered her, but she and Tucker looked down, saw I was crowning, and she started to lose it. "Karli, I need you to flip over! We have to get you on your back! Flip over now! I need you to flip over!" Over and over again, like it was an emergency. I wasn't answering and had no intention of flipping over, but her urgency scared Tucker, and he, thinking there was a medical emergency, slipped one arm under my right ribs and the other arm under my left leg to physically flip me onto my back. With him holding me there in the air, I reached down and felt the baby's head almost out and pushed the rest of her head out. Stephanie was still freaking out trying to get me on my back but also yelling at Tucker to stop what he was doing because she didn't want the baby falling on the floor (understandable - shoulda left me where I was, lady). She yanked my right leg across the bed so I was still kind of in the air but now in "dog peeing on a fire hydrant" pose, and my body pushed the baby out. Stephanie caught her, and a team of nurses and a random doctor rushed into the room after hearing the commotion from the hall.
I immediately collapsed onto my back on the bed, feeling totally dead and weak. Tucker and everything else was spattered in blood, so looking back, I think I felt so dead from the blood loss and being so anemic. I could hardly hold my baby as they passed her up to me. Within a couple minutes, I started feeling much more alert, and I remember a nurse asking what time she was born and Stephanie trying to guess. The random doctor who came in made sure everything was ok. Tucker cut the cord after it stopped pulsing, and I pushed out the placenta, which was really cool to be aware of. The most painful part of the whole ordeal, including contractions and crowning, was afterwards when the doctor was checking to see if I tore. I didn't - thankfully! - but I did have a couple grazes from how fast she came out, and holy crap it hurt as they were looking at things! A little while later, my doctor walked in, having hurried back from his lunch break, and he double-checked everything too.

I was so grateful for the peace and quiet once the commotion died down. We got to sit and snuggle our sweet, new baby. She came out with more hair than either baby before, though darker than Annie's and lighter than Eli's, and she weighed more than both siblings, too - 7lbs, 11oz - which is quite impressive for 3 weeks early! She also looks a lot like Annie so I guess we'll wait and see if the recessive genes take over again with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Tucker went down the street to get me a gigantic, juicy hamburger, chocolate shake, and fries while Speck and I tried nursing. After we all finished eating, we walked over to our recovery suite. I really liked being able to walk and pee all by myself instead of waiting for an epidural to wear off, and even though I felt so dead immediately afterwards, Tucker thinks I've recovered much faster overall.  The only little issue we had was borderline bilirubin levels so they made us stay an extra night in the hospital to monitor her for jaundice.  

In these pictures, you can see how bruised and puffy her face was from being born so quickly! Luckily, the bruising and swelling went down within a couple days, and 3 weeks later, the broken blood vessels in her eyes are almost healed.

Like with our other kids, we went to the hospital with a few favorite names picked out, but once she was born, we settled on Caroline Belle Denton. Caroline comes from one of my great-great-grandmothers and one of Tucker's great-grandmothers, and Belle comes from my Apache great-grandmother and also the amazing and joyful time of my life when we found out we were having our baby. It wasn't Tucker's favorite name to begin with, but I was so attached to it that he came around, and I think we all feel it fits her perfectly now.

snuggling her new Granny blankie

In the 3+ weeks of having her around, she has proved herself to be an easy, quiet, dainty baby. She's back up to her birth weight and sleeps really well. Annie and Eli didn't get to come to the hospital because they were getting over colds, but they were thrilled when we picked them up from Gran's house Sunday morning with their new baby sister.

They absolutely adore her, but contrary to expectation, Annie has had a harder time with the adjustment than Eli. Eli mostly doesn't care about her, but sometimes wants to hold and love her and sometimes pretends to "Kick!" her. Annie, on the other hand, just wants to be holding and touching her all the time and gets so frustrated that we're supposed to mostly just let her sleep and only kiss the top of her head and her toes ("SHE'S SO BORING!!!!!"). 

I think we're all finding a new normal, though, and I feel so blessed to have these sweet (most of the time) kids. It still feels so surreal driving around and realizing there are 3 carseats back there, and Tucker and I are constantly tag-teaming now that we're outnumbered. I seriously thank him every day for being such a supportive husband and involved dad because heaven knows I'd lose my mind without him. 

Welcome to the chaos, Caroline Belle! You are so loved!

4 Years

"I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"
Probably not the Wuthering Heights quote you'd expect. Usually Catherine's "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same..." overshadows this darker one.
But Heathcliff's mad desperation at the loss of Catherine - his life and his soul - is just..... 
Tucker is my life and my soul.
It has been that way since the beginning. We are sealed for eternity, and eternity has no beginning nor end. Therefore, we've always been... "us."
Looking back, it's been over a decade of "Karli and Tucker." People knew we were a package deal, even before the romance. 

Now our package just has a couple extra add-ons! ;)

The past year has been a whirlwind, that's for sure. We added Eli to our family, Tucker landed his dream-job, we bought a house and moved, I auditioned for and was cast in a dream role - Belle, and of course, all of this has the normal craziness thrown in with some really hard trials as well.

But one of my favorite things about "Tucker and Karli" is that we face things together. Problems mean we communicate and find a solution. I love that we see it as "us vs. the problem" instead of "me vs. you." And we support each other's successes.

I was at a late rehearsal a few weeks ago while Tucker was home taking care of kids and bedtime, and this quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley came to mind:
The women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.”
This is Tucker for me. He has been the most encouraging and supportive husband and father while I've taken on long rehearsals and what will be even longer performance nights.
He helps with cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms and does laundry. After we went out for dinner last night, I zonked out almost immediately while he stayed up helping a very weepy Annie settle down. When I'm craving Cowboy Fries from Filiberto's at 10pm, he reminds me I have spending money and sends me out the door (and doesn't judge me too much when I come home with McDonald's Dr. Pepper, too 😉 ) And when I'm whiny and tired and really want Zoyo, he goes and gets it himself.  A couple weeks ago, I asked him to pick up some bread and milk, and he came home with a dozen red roses! And for our anniversary, he surprised me with a night at the cabin with no kids! It was perfect, and I can't believe how lucky I am to be his wife.

He is quick to point out my strengths, and he encourages and loves me while I strive to overcome my weaknesses. He is constantly looking for feedback and working to improve himself, and I can't even tell you how proud I feel when I think of all that he has accomplished in these past 4 years.
I think that my most favorite thing about our marriage is that we help each other become better and reach our potential. We trust each other to call out our BS and ask for help and offer support and unconditional love. We know that we are better together, and we have so much fun in the process.

My favorite part of the day is in the evening after the kids are in bed when we get to sit and eat ice cream while watching a show or just talking or reading a book together or snuggling or swimming or laughing or whatever! It doesn't even matter. Because as long as we're Tucker and Karli, it's perfect.

our only picture from our weekend at the cabin

That's not to say that WE'RE perfect, though. We make mistakes. Sometimes there are hurt feelings and frustrations. But I feel so safe that WE are each other's priority. We're figuring it out. And we love each other more than anything else. For a couple years, we settled into a normal, comfortable, routine marriage. But it was a little stagnant. The past couple months, we changed that. We found the sparkle again, and it is so much better! I love being married to this man, and I can't wait to say that over and over again for the next 70+ years and into eternity.
Happy 4th Anniversary, my love.

3 Years Old: Part 1

"And though she be but little, she is fierce!"

Spunky. Strong-willed. Determined. Vibrant. Dynamic. Artistic. Clever. Sympathetic. Observant. Helpful. Inquisitive. Impressive. Fearless. Talented. Playful. Imaginative. Sparkly. Spiritual. Fierce. Friendly. Creative. Sassy. Musical. Proud. Tender. Compassionate. Darling. Passionate. Awesome. Bold. Challenging. Engaging. Gifted. Stubborn. Skeptical. Articulate. Spiritual. Friendly.
Just a few of the words that describe my Annie-Girl.
From this....

To this.

I watch in awe as this tiny pixie finds her wings.
Fly, my darling.