Third Trimester and Answers to the "Harder Questions"

Here we are, officially in the third trimester, and due to some recent thoughts and discussions, I thought it might be a good time to address those harder questions.

You know, those questions that aren't really anybody's business but get asked anyway. For the record, I much prefer the asking to the speculating. You can ask me anything, and chances are, I will answer you truthfully. 

And while this isn't meant to be a defensive post about my pregnancy and beliefs, I do hope it clears some things up. Those of you who think I'm (we're) absolutely irresponsible and crazy, well, that's your opinion, and you are absolutely entitled to it. Regardless of what I say, you'll probably keep thinking that way. 

So I'm just going to start at the beginning.

I'm Karli.

I grew up in Mesa, Arizona. I'm the oldest of six children. We were never "rich," but my parents were smart with money, and we had what we needed. I've loved singing my whole life, and through high school, I paid for my own voice lessons with my baby-sitting money that I'd saved up over years and years. Tucker was my best friend. I did normal high school things like weekend football games, high school dances, movies with friends. Before my senior year, with out-of-school fundraising efforts, I was able to go with my choir to Germany and Austria, and thus was born my love of traveling. I've been blessed to have since been to England, Wales, Belgium, Italy, and France at minimal cost from opportunities that arose through school and work.

I started college knowing that I wanted to major in Vocal Performance (opera), but it took several auditions over the years to actually get into the program. During that time, I filled my class schedule with courses about history, world cultures, psychology, languages (Italian and German), writing, literature, anatomy, archaeology, human development, and finances. If it didn't cost money, and if tests weren't mandatory, I could keep taking classes forever. Each semester, I'd apply for scholarships. Sometimes, I'd get them; sometimes not. I've worked 20 hours a week since my Freshman year, and with the occasional twenty-dollar-bill Papa sneaks me, I've made it ok.

When Tucker came home from his mission, we decided pretty quickly that we were ready to get married. People still think we were crazy for that one, but we decided what was right for us, and that was the end of it. 7 months into it, I still feel that way. Sure, being an adult is hard. College tuition, insurance premiums, car repairs, rent and utilities, a surprise root canal, and now doctors' appointments aren't exactly cheap, especially for college students, but ya know what? We're figuring it out. We're completely independent from parents. We both work. We try to make smart decisions. We budget our money, and right now, we're doing just fine. That doesn't mean we're comfortably eating out and going to the movies and have cash to burn. In fact, just two days ago, I was panicking about the unexpected music fee applied to my spring/summer tuition that doubled the cost. But things have a way of working out. And we've got each other.

So let's get down to the "neety-greety" (+10 if you know the movie).

Honeymoon baby, eh?

UmmmNo.

Wait, but weren't you on birth control?

Yes, I'd been on birth control for months by the time we got married. Tucker and I never discussed specifics of when to have kids. We knew we wanted a big family and both assumed that would start after I graduated in April 2015. 2 weeks later, I said hello to Mother Nature. 

During this time, however, plans changed a bit. I remember noticing Tucker staring very intently at the blank space in front of him and knowing exactly what he was thinking in that moment. Hours later, he brought it up, very tentatively. All he said was, "Our kids have been waiting a long time..."

I knew he was right. I'd felt the same way for years. But that didn't mean we had to have kids right this minute! For the record, Tucker was never pushy. He let me know that since it was my body, my decision held more weight, and he would be fine with whatever I felt was right.

I was more than a little freaked out at the thought of getting pregnant so soon, but I weighed our options carefully.

Finances would be tighter, but honestly, we'd be okay. 

School would be tricky, but I only had a few classes left, so I wouldn't even have a full-time schedule. 

Singers was going on tour, and I probably wouldn't get to go, but after four years, which is more than most people, I couldn't complain.

Parenting actually isn't all that frightening. Tucker and I both have plenty of experience with babies and children. Diapers and poop and barf and drool aren't an issue. Lack of sleep didn't scare me. I'm all too familiar with insomnia, and as an older teenager, I got up at night with my two youngest siblings for changings and bottle feedings. My mom would have, but I sleep lighter, and I loved the time I got to snuggle them in the dark.

People's reactions is what it really came down to. I was terrified of what people would say, the looks I would get, the stupid comments and nervous joking while silently (or not so silently) judging. When I stepped back and looked at it, that's what I was really scared of. And as hard as it was for me to admit, I realized that caring about their opinions was stupid and other people can suck it.

I was scared, but also excited. And while I still wasn't sure about the whole baby thing, I felt good about not starting my next round of birth control. I knew I could get pregnant right away, but the chances were slim, especially since it takes the average couple 6-12 months of actively trying before they get pregnant so that would give us some time, right?

Ha!

So, like, when did you find out? Did you know before you tested?

November 8, 2013. By this point, I'd been feeling pretty crappy. But I kept blaming it on other things. Flu season was starting. My body was just adjusting to not being on birth control anymore. Back pain could be from stress. Fainting and dizziness could be from singing too much and not drinking enough water or eating enough during the day.

And then I missed my period.

But that could still be my body just adjusting to not being on birth control, right? I'd had friends who didn't have a period for months after stopping birth control, and they weren't pregnant.

A week later, we decided to test, just to be sure that I really wasn't pregnant. I bought a box with two different kinds: the pink line test and a digital one just in case the first one was unclear. I was too chicken to use them right when we got home, so I put it off. Late that night, after Tucker was asleep, I did the pink line test. My heart was pounding as I stared at the result window. Definitely one dark pink line. Maybe a second pink line? Maybe my eyes are unclear since it's the middle of the night? Maybe it's just bleeding from the other line? I made myself go to bed. Of course, I was up early to pee again. I grabbed the digital test and didn't give myself a chance to talk myself out of it. I may have jumped a little when the bold YES appeared in the screen. My brain was all over the place. After taking a deep breath, I walked back to our bedroom with the test and sat next to Tucker. He opened up his eyes and blinked at me, confused and still mostly asleep. I handed him the test and flipped the lights on. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few more times before it hit him. He looked up at me, the biggest grin on his face, and for the moment, no one else's reactions even mattered. 

How long did you wait to tell your families?

We called our parents two nights later. They were shocked, of course, but also happy and at least acted nice. My 13 and 15 yr. old brothers happened to overhear the phone-call from the basement, so we decided siblings over the age of 12 could know. When we were visiting for Thanksgiving, Tucker's little brother Micah walked in the door after school and, before even saying hi to us, demanded, "So is Karli pregnant yet or what?" We quickly brushed it off and changed the subject. We waited until I was 12 weeks to announce to our extended family and friends at Christmas.

Are you going to drop out of school?

Definitely not. Getting an education and finishing my degree is absolutely important. Like I said, I'll only be a part-time student next fall and winter, and then I'll be done! Grad school? Haven't given it much thought, honestly. That's not for lack of ambition or giving up. But I want to be there for my kids. And when it comes to the opera world, grad school is a little different. Female voices don't mature until the late-twenties and even thirties. I'm still young, and my voice has a lot of growing to do before I'd ever be taken seriously. So it actually makes sense to have kids right now. I love performing, and I definitely plan on teaching voice, so as long as I keep my voice in shape and keep my foot in the door, I'll be ok if/when I decide to return. For the time being, my babies will get Italian arias and French Art songs, and German Lieder for lullabies, and that's pretty cool in my opinion.

Essentially, I'm happy to answer questions, so don't be afraid to ask. Also, please don't just assume that I'm getting sucked into the "Mormon norm" and that I'm brainwashed and a slave to motherhood. Being a mom was a conscious decision for me and was always part of the plan. Maybe it happened earlier than I thought it would, but that's not a bad thing. It was supposed to happen that way. And if you're one of those people who thinks I need a "list of things to do while in your twenties" besides getting married and having kids, well, I'm lucky enough to have already checked a lot of things off that some people never get opportunity for in their life.

So, I'm Karli. I love traveling. I love art. I love performing. I love learning languages. I love experiencing other cultures. I love foreign food. I love reading. I love ancient Egyptology and astronomy and human anatomy. I occasionally fantasize about dying my hair electric blue and getting tattoos. I love the beach. I love learning about different religions. I love writing. I love my friends. 

And I love that I have the opportunity to be a wife and mother.